On Being A Friend

Tonight I'm going to make a confession. 

I've always struggled at being a good friend.

For me the gift of friendship has never come easily. It's not that I don't like people or am too self centered to be bothered with the needs of others. Trust me I do care a lot about others well being. It's more that I feel awkward around other people. I know this may seem like an odd thing to admit to, but for as long as I can remember it has been really hard for me to make friends. I think I should get a little more specific here because most of you reading this are probably thinking to yourselves, I thought we were friends...? So to clarify, I do have many friends- people who I talk to, hang out with and get along with. What I don't have are many CLOSE friends.  

No just in case you're thinking, hey I thought we were pretty close friends! Trust me this is no fault of your own, its a fault of mine. You who are reading this right now may truly be terrific and for all I know you could be my best friend in the world, I just haven't quite figured out how to make you a great friend and let you in.

You see that's my problem. It's always been my problem. I keep a lot of doors shut with the people in my life. I'm not totally sure why but I've always been a very guarded person, being very careful and selective about the people that I become friends with and even more selective about the way I open up to those people in my life. It's as though I always keep up a fence to keep people just outside where I know I can keep myself and my secrets safe. Because of this I've never had many really close friends. I can honestly think of only two women who I have been best friends with, and sadly I don't talk to one of those women any more as we grew apart over time. The other I care about very deeply still but rarely talk to and never see since she still lives in my home town and I've moved out west! I'm sorry Miss Janice!

Since moving out west I've been blessed to meet many amazing women who I truly admire, respect and love to have as friends. But for one reason or another I keep up my boundaries and always keep these friends at a safe distance.

I truly wish that I could throw myself into friendships with the love and vigor that I see others do it with. I am always slightly intimidated by those who seem so charismatic and cheerful with those who surround them, while I struggle to open up and be close with those who I have know for years. I know it's something that I could work harder at, there is so much more I could do- for example I'm horrible at calling people! This is really something I should work on. I'm also bad at doing things with people. I have no problem organizing big events but I always shy away from one on one time with my friends. Obviously a huge reason why I can't get to know people better! 

All in all I'm not totally sure why I am sharing this with you other than that it's been on my mind a lot lately. I guess I want to say that I want to try harder to be a better friend. September always seems like the start of a new year for me (back to school means back to work for me) and so I want to make it a goal to try harder to be a better friend over these next few months! I really do want to have better friendships and closer friends who I can feel comfortable with knowing that I cherish them and they cherish me too. 

Have any of you ever felt the same way or struggled with making and keeping close friends?

Jordan