Well it's been awhile since I posted but I'm back with some thoughts about the recent turn of events that my life has taken.
A couple months ago Dan and I really felt we were sitting in a rut. We were really pondering what to do with our lives and what direction we should follow. During the 7.5 years we've been together we have gone from one thing to another trying to find the right pathway but never really having great success or a clear idea of where we were going. Dan has had a particularly difficult time figuring out a career path for himself but I do credit his constant work ethic and willingness to do whatever necessary to provide for our family. More recently we became really focused on trying to find a more secure path that would give us a bit of security and stability for our future.
We have been running our own business for the past 2 years. But as any business owner will know this comes with a large set of challenges that are often difficult to overcome. After our two years of work we felt we had sort of come to a point where we either needed to really invest and try to grow the business or allow it to sort of fizzle. We haven't completely given up hope on it, but Dan has come to learn that painting is not the thing he dreams of doing for the rest of his life. Plus work always disappears around the winter and holiday season leaving us with little to no income which is difficult to accommodate now that we have 3 kids and I'm no longer working at all.
So he went job hunting and was blessed with an offer to start an apprenticeship as an electrician. He was recommended to the job by a good friend of his and all of a sudden off we go with a whole new schedule and career path to boot. I'm happy that he has found something he wants to commit to and that he has a full time job with benefits (my teeth are thankful that I finally went to the dentist!) Being an electrician is also something he wanted to do before, but it just didn't work out.
In any case my main purpose for writing tonight is about the new life that I'm living these days. As of tomorrow I will have successfully made it through 2 weeks of this new schedule and I'm very slowly starting to adapt to no longer having a husband. I seriously don't know how all you ladies out there do it. I must be one big baby or a totally dependent woman because I am really struggling. Here are some of the challenges I'm finding:
For one I really love my hubby and I am basically holding back tears every time I think about how little I get to see him now. Go ahead and laugh but I seriously miss him. Even though we had our moments of getting annoyed with each before I'm now feeling seriously alone every day and night. He's gone before I wake up and then gets home around 6-6:30 depending on traffic. Then he's so tired he wants to go to bed by 9:30-10. Take out an hour of getting the kids to bed and I'm seeing him for maybe 2 hours a night. Not to mention the nights he has young mens or if I have any meetings or evening activities then it's pretty well a right off. I cannot lie this is something I do not look forward to getting used to. I'm not happy about never seeing my husband again :(
Secondly as sad as I am about not seeing him, imagine those poor little kiddies. They love their daddy but now that they see him for 1 hour a day I don't know what is going to happen. They are already acting even more attached to me than normal and trust me this is not a good thing. I'm sad that they won't get to spend as much time with him or play with him the way that they used to. Basically his presence is disappearing right out of their little lives. It's a big adjustment and perhaps a contributing factor to Marshal's really bad behavior the past 2 weeks. Sigh. And Cry.
Thirdly I now get to do everything around the house. Ok, so I know I was lucky before to have a hubby who'd make dinner and clean up etc. I always did more of the house chores than he did but he definitely helped out in a huge way. That's not happening anymore. With him only being home for a few hours each night, he doesn't have time to help out with anything. He does do bath/bedtime with me and that is great since I have no patience left for the kids by the end of the very long day! but other than that I now get to do it all and trust me the house is getting worse by the minute. I'm pretty sure I will never have a clean or organized house again. It's disgusting and its driving me nuts!
Fourth I feel like I have to learn this parenting thing from a whole new perspective. I've go to figure out how to juggle all the chores and all the kids. I have to make enough time for the kids, manage my time wisely so I don't want to run away by the end of each day, make meals, teach the kids, discipline the kids, always be patient with them (fat chance) and keep them alive and happy. So far this has been a big struggle, I am alone with them for sooooo much longer than I used to be. I know this part has gone poorly so far. Each day I'm learning a bit more about what is necessary for my/their survival. Maybe after six months I will have figured something out, but who knows! All I can say is this also makes me want to cry, a lot!
So I guess the main point I'm trying to make over here is that while I'm happy for my husband and his new endeavor I am not happy for me. I feel bad for saying that out loud but it's true and I like to be honest. I honestly don't know how I am going to survive this, everyday I keep pretending like I'm ok with it and it's going to be all right but all I feel inside is terrified beyond measure, inadequate in every way possible and like bawling my eyes out. I hate to admit how weak I am but right now I feel very very small. I want to be able to support Dan is this because I know it is important for him and for our family but I just don't know how to do that right now. I barely know how to keep us all alive right now. I'm literally taking each day hour by hour and it's still killing me.
Ok, there I said it all out loud.
This new life that I have, it's going to teach me a lot. I'm hoping I can walk out of it with some serious strength and power. I'm hoping I can overcome the small feelings that I have. I'm hoping I can do it somehow. Don't know how, but somehow.
How do you do it? What advice do you have for me? I really need it!!!!
Jordan
K I am going to keep this comment brief, but
ReplyDelete1) That is HARD. It is hard for me with only 2 and thankfully Dave's schedule is more irregular so although he is gone at nights 7x/month and one Saturday and one Sunday a month, he is also home on random days (after he's worked overnight) so I get a bit of relief there. And he gets to see the kids then. And he has a no-stress calling. This is not a game of comparison, but I just want to you to know that you are not over-reacting - you do have it really hard.
2) At least from my perspective, this all happened really quickly. Again, not comparing, but I can't imagine because I had YEARS to prepare me for residency. And I knew it was coming, (and my limited patience) which is the reason we only have 2 kids at the moment. Dave was so excited about babies as soon as we got married. I told him we'd have kids when I thought I might be ready to be a single mom (not that he's not a great dad, because he is! Just not around that much).
As far as practicality:
-will your kids sleep any later in the morning? Amy doesn't sleep in, so that sucks, but Thomas' bedtime has always been later because I used to nurse him before bed when I was in school and I didn't get home until 9 and also because Dave wanted to see him more. Obviously this won't work if your kids won't sleep in or if they already sleep as late as they can while still getting to school/church. It also would mean less time with just you two, so there's that too.
-As far as the house goes, I don't know. I don't know how to have a reasonably clean house when I'm doing it solo. I've told Dave before - there are simply not enough hours in a day to tend to the children (feeding them, clothing them -including diapers, taking care of their emotional needs - including disciplining them), fix dinner, and keep up with chores (laundry, cleaning, all those annoying little things nagging at you). I personally have chosen to let those things slide in favour of family time. Meaning we do almost no chores on the weekend. When Dave is home, he's spending time with the kids. That's pretty much it. Sometimes I feel like I'm spoiling him (hahaha with a messy house and lame dinner. but seriously), but I think it creates a happier home.
- Not to be awkward and feel like I'm asking you on a date, but I would be happy to have you rely on me and vice versa more. If you want to trade of kids and cooking or something, I'm totally up for it. (....awkward silence....kidding! kind of). No fancy meals or anything, but I'll take your kids for a few hours while you do some chores and make a simple meal if you're interested in that.
-In the same vein, if you need 45 minutes to get your head on straight (sometimes just getting the dang laundry put away or bathroom cleaned can go a long way for your sanity), send your kids over when they wake up. I really do think the only way through this is getting help from friends and family.
Lastly, let go of your guilt. You are a good mom. You are doing a good job. Your kids won't care if their clothes are folded or just shoved in a drawer. They won't care if you clean your bathroom slightly less frequently. They won't care if they're wearing mismatched clothes. And chances are Dan won't notice any of those things because he's not around enough to! So don't beat yourself up about them!
Hey, remember when this comment was going to be brief? LOL yeah right Well anyway I sincerely hope this has not come off as bossy or know-it-all. Because trust me, I don't know a thing! But I am sending you a virtual hug nonetheless, along with an invitation to lean on me. I'm not saying I won't need help too, but it's easier when you're in it with someone else! xo
your kids are lucky to have you. I spent a lot of time being babysat so both parents could work, don't worry about Dan being less available
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you a lot lately, because, like Rachel said, it happened really quickly. You went from having Dan home more frequently, to having three kids on your own. You weren't able to ease into it (which is also early hard, but all at once did a whole new layer too it.)
ReplyDeleteWe make sure we have one night a week that we do something together, even if it's sitting before bed, and watching an episode of some sitcom. For the kids it really is about quality time over quantity time, so doing something fun as a family whenever you can (maybe sunday).
It is really, really hard. Just take every day as it comes. I hear, from people who know what they're talking about, that it gets easier.